What if D.C. Democrats Were a Football Team?

Those of you who've read my work here know that I love sports analogies. And that I've been unsparing in my criticism of D.C. Democrats. With good reason: after George W. Bush took office, they went into a fetal position and hid under their desks, and have yet to emerge and challenge this administration.

The behavior of D.C. Democrats has become so maddening (no, I'm not referring to blowhard football announcer John Madden) that the only way to keep sane is to laugh at them

So to celebrate a new football season, I'd like to offer the following "what if" question: what if the D.C. Democrats were a pro football franchise? Follow me across the 50-yard line...

What would a D.C. Democrats NFL franchise be like? Believe me, it wouldn't be pretty. In fact, it would be this awful:

● Shareholder meetings would be by invitation only.

● No one in management could take advice from outsiders.

● Everyone in the organization would have an irrational fear of elephants.

● The mission statement would be "Modest Efforts. Modest Results."

● Only free agents with corporate sponsors would be invited to training camp.

● On the first day of camp fans would be told, "we don't have the players."

● Fleetwood Mac would be booked to perform "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" at the pre-season pep rally. Through the year 2037.

● The opponent's film would be analyzed only if the opponent was beatable. Teams it lost to last year would be considered "not beatable."

● Losing coaches who retire (no one would ever be fired for losing) would get sinecure front-office jobs.

● The front office would sign expensive consulting contracts with failed ex-coaches from other organizations.

● Performance bonuses would be against team policy.

● A middle-aged bald guy from Louisiana, whose wife is a high-ranking executive at a rival franchise, would be the general manager.

● Fans would be told not to criticize the team because that helps the opposition.

● Their stadium would have big, fancy lobbies but too few seats. It would be called "DLC Field."

● The beer would be watered down, and the coffee would be weak.

● Season tickets would be offered only to those who already have them. New fans would be seated in the top row and told to "wait your turn."

● There would be no fight song. Too divisive.

● The mascot would be a chicken.

● Coaches would be hired exclusively from teams that have never appeared in the Super Bowl.

● Before the opening kickoff, some players would defect to the other team's sideline.

● Each assistant coach would have a different version of the team playbook.

● The offense would run the ball up the middle, regardless of down and distance, because passing invites sacks and interceptions.

● Its bread-and-butter play would be the punt on third down.

● Defensive linemen would be told to "reach out" across the neutral zone to find common ground with the offense.

● The defensive backs would be in a prevent defense from the opening whistle until the final gun. Can't risk giving up big plays.

● Overly aggressive players would be fined.

● There would be absolutely no red-dogging. However, blue-dogging would be encouraged.

● The head coach could not challenge an official's call. Instead, a team spokesman would issue a post-game statement "strongly deploring" the call in question.

● Home uniforms would be yellow.

● It would have the league's worst record every season. But it would offer a new and original lame excuse for every loss.

● Management would tell complaining fans, "the alternative is no pro football at all."